Care Team – How to Help

There’s a new baby in your future! Congratulations!! If you find yourself wanting to help, but don’t know exactly how to help, you’re in the right place. First of all, well done for wanting to offer care in this amazing time. Moms, dads, and siblings all need support and love when families welcome aboard a new member. What a blessing you are!

Reflecting as a mama of four, there are many things I recognize now that I could have done differently as a new mother to make life a whole lot easier for myself. I wish I would have let the wonderful people in my life help me when they offered to. Nobody expected me to entertain them, but I felt like I needed to do that when they were visiting. It would have been healthier for me to stay in bed for several days after giving birth and let go of expectations for myself. Leaning deeper into my recovery and bonding with my babies would have greatly improved my mental health journey. We all experience postpartum healing differently, but some things ring true for most of us… we are supremely sleep deprived, our bodies are sore, and we question if we’re doing things ‘right’ for our babies.

American culture does not embrace a season of postpartum healing. After giving birth there’s a strong nudge to get right back to life as if you didn’t just birth a human. The body is not ready for that, and the mind REALLY isn’t ready for that. The United States is one of the most medically advanced countries in the world with the highest incidence of maternal deaths. That often comes down to a lack of postpartum healing and bonding. Women are designed to heal and bond with our babies. If that process is strained, rushed or medically complicated it can cause significantly damaging effects. Postpartum depression and anxiety, hemorrhaging, maternal psychosis and even suicide. I realize I’m focusing on the worst-case scenarios here, but they are becoming greater realities for American mothers.

So, how do we help our mothers? As a postpartum doula, I aim to ‘mother the mother.’ It’s a support role. I simply offer encouragement and resources and try to lighten the load where I can. It’s all about mom first, then baby, then the family. It looks differently depending on the family dynamics, but you don’t have to be a doula to help. Let’s talk about some practical tips on how to help whether you’re in their home or offering care from afar.

Help at Home

Being physically available to help new moms and dads at home is a true gift of self, straight from the heart. You are about to enter a raw, intimate, emotional, tired, overwhelmed, and uncertain home…in its most pure and beautiful state! Blessings abound! Before we get into specifics on how to help, I want to offer you my most important tip…

Focus your help on making mom’s recovery easier, not on meeting baby.

Everything in us tells us to scoop that baby right up, but it is just not the time. In fact, expect to go help for the entire day and never hold the baby once. I know, believe me, I want to hold the babies too! But if you and I are holding the baby, that means mom isn’t and she is not fully healing or bonding with the baby in that moment.

“Involution”

Involution is the contracting down of the uterus (post birth) and is necessary to help prevent hemorrhage and return the uterus to a non-pregnant state. When a mother touches/smells/kisses her baby, she produces oxytocin, a hormone that encourages involution and breast milk production. Similarly, an oxytocin rush will help calm her nerves and emotionally connect her to her baby. It is vital for a mother to be able to hold her baby, as often as possible.

Of course, if she asks you to hold the baby while she bathes, eats, sleeps, etc., by all means, soak up the newborn snuggles! Otherwise, it’s best to let baby stay with mom. If you are honored with holding that brand new bundle of joy, offer baby back to mom when she appears to be done with what she was doing. It might be uncomfortable for her to have to ask to have her baby back.

Secondarily, I try to refrain from telling mom and dad how to care for their baby. There are exceptions, but it’s best to let them figure out what works for their family unless advice is specifically solicited.

So, what exactly can I do?

When planning with expectant parents, I suggest they come up with a care team to-do list prior to baby’s arrival. A simple list of tasks posted for visitors. Then, the care team can complete the items they feel comfortable doing when they come to visit. In the midst of becoming parents in wildly sleep deprived conditions, it can be hard to know how to accept help in the moment. If you anticipate being able to help when baby arrives, maybe suggest to mom and/or dad ahead of time that they come up with a list of ways you can serve them best when the time comes. My suggestions:

• Household Tasks (washing dishes, vacuuming, dusting, taking out the trash, wiping down bathrooms)

• Laundry (changing bedding, cloth diaper care, folding clothes, picking up dry cleaning)

• Pets (walking dogs, cleaning the cat litter box, grooming, taking to vet appointments)

• Food Prep (bringing pre-made meals over to be frozen, starting dinner, keeping healthy one-handed snacks and drinks ready for mom, entering or picking up a grocery order).

• Siblings (read books, walk to the park, offer to take for a sleepover, help with homework)

Encouragement! This might be the most important thing you can offer. Hug that new mama, tell dad he’s doing an amazing job, rave about how proud you are of them, “ooh and ahh” over how beautiful baby is, and let them know how blessed you feel to get to be a part of it all. You can leave quick notes on the bathroom mirror or on prepared meals in the refrigerator to remind them that they are doing an amazing job! Your presence is significant, and your encouragement hits straight to the hearts of new parents.

Help from afar

You wonderful person, You! It can be hard to know how to support new parents when you aren’t physically in their daily lives, but you can do so much still! Your love and willingness to help is deeply felt.

• Reach out. Call, text, video chat! If they can’t answer, they won’t. Knowing that you’re thinking of them and helping them feel connected to their life goes a long way toward feeling supported.

• Set up meals. It’s so easy and assures they’re getting healthy consistent meals. Check out Meal Train if they have family, friends, work, or community available to drop meals by. If they are new to their area, maybe consider subscribing them to a meal delivery service like Home Chef or Hello Fresh.

• Gift postpartum doula care. If you know your loved ones don’t have community available to help, doula care comes in all shapes and sizes. You can view my available options through Hallowed Mama Doula. There are also some really great national doula directories that will help connect you with doula care in other areas, such as Made For This Birth!

• Hire out: dog walking, house cleaning, grocery delivery services.

• Mass Intentions. Most Catholic churches offer the opportunity to have a Mass offered for the intentions of loved ones.

• Creative Gifts. If you know mom wants to assemble a baby care caddy before baby arrives, offer to make that your baby shower gift. Select items from her registry and build a comprehensive basket of goodies that she doesn’t have to worry about putting together herself. Alternatively, you could also create a snack caddy or postpartum care caddy.

• Surprise delivery. You name it, surprises are a really special touch for new parents. UberEATS them their favorite lattes, boba or an edible bouquet.

There are so many beautiful ways to express your excitement and love during this season. Depending on the circumstances, caregiving might be more important during a woman’s pregnancy or a few months into her postpartum. It’s wonderful when everyone floods you with new baby cheer, but spreading out your help can be more advantageous at times.