It’s been fifteen years since my first miscarriage. Saying it out loud, that loss seems like so long ago and just like yesterday all at once. After nearly two years of infertility, we were beyond excited to be pregnant for the first time. It was our first ultrasound experience, and it was magic seeing and hearing our tiny 8-week-old baby with a thumping heartbeat. We said goodbye a few days later on Christmas Eve.
Our second sweet love entered our lives roughly six months later. Our tiny baby came like the flash of a firefly bringing a renewed spark of hope to our hearts. I miscarried by myself in the middle of the night. I remember being angry that everyone I loved could sleep through one of the most sorrowful moments of my life. And yet, I did not wake up my husband or pick up the phone, because I was simultaneously very grateful to be alone. It was the first time I really let God in. In raw, painful sobs of sorrow and begging. He was with me, I have no doubt, and I am so grateful for the 7 weeks we could call His beloved baby, ours.
Carrying the Cross of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss
Part of my heart will always mourn my sweet babies. I did not know anything about them and yet we’re designed to love our babies, protect them, and wonder who they are before this world knows them. The other side of my perspective has evolved into one of gratitude for the woman and mother those babies have helped me become. So many parents carry the cross of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I hold you and your babies in the sacred depth of my heart and the forefront of my prayers.
I wish I would have known then the amazing love and resources that await grieving parents. Outside of pain prescriptions, I did not receive much compassion or any resources from my doctors. We can do better for parents that have lost their tiny loves! And while I have an incredible support system, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it much with family and friends because I just felt too vulnerable. I am so thankful for my incredible husband who loved me through my grief, and I still feel badly that I don’t remember asking him how he was coping with our losses.
Hope and Healing After Loss
If we are open to it, God can use our tremendous grief to bring about beautiful healing in ourselves and others. These courageous authors and business owners are doing just that! Incredible organizations have bloomed from the mourning of their own babies in effort to provide support to parents in similar situations. They ensure that you do not have to go at this alone. We see you. We feel your pain.
There are some amazing books available to help process the loss of our babies. These are just a few:
- A Catholic Guide to Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss
- Grieving Together: A Couple’s Journey through Miscarriage
- Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss In the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents
- The Sorrowful Way: A Lenten Journal for Mothers Who Have Experienced Pregnancy or Child Loss
- Jellybean: A Baby’s Journey to God (for siblings)
Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Resources
If you are anticipating a miscarriage, Humble Mission offers bereavement boxes to help you physically and emotionally handle the process and prepare your baby for burial. They also have great suggestions for what to ask your medical providers. If you have not experienced a miscarriage before, this will likely be very helpful. Held in Hope offers a similar miscarriage kit.
If you’re looking for deeper consolation or one-on-one mentoring, look no further than Eileen Tully, the founder of Sursum Corda. Eileen and her husband have transformed their significant experiences of grief through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss into remarkably beautiful support and tools for grieving parents. Everything from a blog and podcasts to an on-line retreat that you can complete individually or in a group setting.
Similarly, Red Bird Ministries dedicates their work to help parents heal through grief. Ryan and Kelly Breaux, “by the grace of God,” were able to pull themselves through a decade of grieving their twins. They now dedicate themselves to other parents navigating this heartbreaking journey. You can find beautiful resources through their new app, in many parishes across the country, and in one-on-one mentoring.
Colorado Support during Loss
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a complimentary photography service based out of Colorado, specializing in stillborn and infant loss photos. Sometimes photography seems an odd consideration at this time. However, families who have accepted photography remark how grateful they are to be able to reflect on those sacred moments with their babies.
The Catholic Funeral and Cemetery Services of Colorado ministers to families that have lost babies in pregnancy or during birth through their Precious Lives Burial ministry. Complimentary funeral services are offered to all grieving families regardless of religious affiliation.
The Archdiocese of Denver’s ministry, Behold Your Child, offers grief counseling resources, memorial Masses, keepsakes, and contact information for life affirming infertility providers.
Another consideration would be hiring a bereavement doula, or “loss” doula. If we previously arranged for you to have my services after birth, we will reassess. I will work with you to help you receive the best bereavement doula care, even if it’s not mine.
Supporting Your Grieving Loved One
Simply making yourself available to a mother and/or father that’s experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, can be hugely supportive. Thinking of them, praying for them, and acknowledging their baby or child is deeply missed, means so much. If you’re also looking to offer tangible support, maybe consider:
- Setting up a meal train for a couple of weeks.
- Offering to take other children or pets for a couple of nights.
- Performing some household tasks to lighten the load.
- Gifting them a healing box, miscarriage care package.
- Subscribing them to a Lily of the Valley prayer care package.
- Arranging to have Mass offered for them at a local parish.
- If needed, contact the Trappist Monks of New Melleray Abbey for a beautifully handcrafted complimentary casket.
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